This is an exciting opportunity, one that investors with either deep or nearly empty pockets shouldn’t pass by.

I’m proud to announce the creation of the Get Off My Lawn Institute. We’re still in the early planning stages but have already lined up an A list of investors with sterling credentials.

So far we have commitments from Bernie Madoff, Charles Ponzi, Arnold Rothstein and the current president of the United States, the man who brought America Trump University.

Don’t wait! Who could pass this opportunity by?

Be sure to get in the ground floor of the Get Off My Lawn Institute. Our prospectus is being compiled now but I can assure you that this will be as solid an educational institution as Trump University.

We’re planning to open branches in every state. Our initial focus will, of course, be in Florida where we will open locations in each of the state’s 67 counties. We expect demand to be so high that Get Off My Lawn Institute offices could be in every strip center in the state, right between vaping stores and tattoo parlors.

We will soon announce our website. We’re trying to secure a domain name now. Perhaps grumpy.com. Or snarling.org. We’re not sure yet.

The first 100,000 investors who pledge $100,000 or more will receive a free – free! – Make America Great hat.

We will soon have a post-office box where cashiers’ checks can be mailed. Until then we are setting up drop boxes in the woods near several major cities where unmarked bills can be delivered so you too can get in on the ground floor of the Get Off My Lawn Institute.

What will we do at the Get Off My Lawn Institute? That’s a fair question.

Being grumpy isn’t enough. We want to enhance students’ inherent grumpiness and make all students downright surly.

How will we do this?

We are compiling a list of seminars to be offered at all our locations. Here are some courses we’re working on now and will soon announce the details:

  • Growling 101: Making snarky comments isn’t enough. How does one get attention in our tribal, vicious culture? Growling at opponents may be the answer.
  • Snarling 201: This may sound like growling but it’s actually a touch more intensive and sophisticated than that and requires ever more terrifying glaring and threatening postures.
  • Trolling for Dollars, an introduction: The syllabus for this course is still in its infancy but we intend to show students how to attack viciously and without remorse anybody or anything they don’t like or think they don’t like on the Internet. In Trolling for Dollars students will be urged to forget everything they learned about grammar, syntax or capitalization. Students will be encouraged to write troll posts in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. The importance of multiple, superfluous and maddening exclamation marks will, of course, be emphasized!!!!!

Oh, we will also encourage using many, many, many adjectives to help emphasis your deranged, unhinged, incoherent points.

Yes, the time for being merely nasty and unfriendly is gone. In 2018 America fine-tuning surliness and hostility will help you stand out.

You will stand out in politics and on talk radio and in corporate boardrooms.

Once a student with basic inhumanity finishes our courses he or she will be ready for anything – even a job in the current White House.

Don’t dawdle. …

Sign up now.

And remember, the first 100,000 to give me $100,000 in a cashier’s check or in a sack of unmarked small bills will receive one of those nifty Make America Great hats.

Don’t let this opportunity slip by!

See, there’s an ECXCLAMATION MARK!

And some CAPITAL LETTERS!

Just imagine what the Get Off My Lawn Institute can do for you!

Now Get Off My Lawn before I grab my Garand 101, the very gun Clint Eastwood toted in “Gran Torino.”

Now git!

 

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