Dear Sir, Madam or Occupant,

Welcome to the Happiest Place on Earth – Gannett.

You (Insert name here) are receiving this letter because we recently purchased your newspaper (insert name here).

We want to talk to you and your colleagues at the (Name Here) about joining our Happy Band of Brothers and Sisters, We Few, We Happy Few, From This Day to the End of Journalism.

Which might be pretty soon, by the way.

So, at your newspaper (pick the name below that best applies) we want you to know how blessed you are, sir, madam or occupant.

A: Journal

B: Daily News

C: Commercial Appeal

D: Daily Planet

E: Other

You may think Gannett is an unfeeling, unthinking corporate goliath only interested in profits.

Nonsense.

We care about you as an individual and want you to do well. LOL. Who said corporate bureaucrats don’t have a sense of humor? We’re always laughing here in the boardroom. We’re laughing all the way to the bank.

Anyhow, we want to know about your community (city name here). We want to learn about (city name here) and its people, history, culture and traditions. We care a great deal about (city name here) and want its citizens, readers and advertisers to know we care.

We are sending this very personal note to (your name here) to put you at ease. We really care about your town. (Choose the name that most fits your current place of residence)

A: Knoxville

B: Naples

C: Gotham

D: Metropolis

E: Other

We want to connect with you, sir, madam or occupant. We really care about your job as a (insert job description here).

So, Employee No. 6079, er, we mean (Name Here), don’t worry. Be happy. Be very happy.

You may be apprehensive about Gannett purchasing the Daily Appeal or Commercial Journal or Bugle Planet or whatever the heck is the name of your paper. Not to worry.

We take care of our own, our Happy Band of Brothers and Sisters. Just look at how well we took care of Brother Craig Dubow, who worked as our humble and lowly CEO and left in 2012 with a $32 million severance package.

Just think, if you, (Name Here) can work your way up from the copy desk or press room or status as part-time graphic artist to CEO, you can ride off into the retirement sunset with $32 million in your backpack.

So, our company isn’t as bad as you might think or as bad as people tell you it is.

You may like it now that you (name here) and your paper (name here) belong to Gannett – the happiest place on Earth.

Give us a chance.

We’re swell people. Really.

Just remember, the newsroom is now the Information Center.

Your editors are now Content Coaches or Engagement Wizards or something.

You are no longer writers or photographers. You’re something, else Employee No. 6079.

You may soon become former Employee No. 6079.

How soon?

Hell if we know.

We’ll get back to you on that $32 million severance package. We promise.

Welcome again, sir, madam or occupant.

Sincerely,

Your new pals